I am starting this blog as sort of a hobby/journal. I enjoy writing, but find myself easily embarrassed by having people that know me read what I write. I have liked to write since I was a kid, but for some reason I have always kept that to myself. I think that it is because I don't like to show vulnerability. When I write, I can put my feelings into words. I can't do that with speech so easily. I think a lot of people may be the same, but I like to think that I could actually make a "real" writer out of myself. I think this would be my dream job.
I have this blog attached to my fitness blog, but I secretly hope that my fitness blog followers don't follow me.... I don't know why. Maybe because I have more to share than just my views on healthy living, and I would like to be known as more than just that (not that helping people get and stay fit isn't important to me, because that is far from true). Really, I just want a place that I can go and share whatever I feel like sharing on any given day. So here is what I have to say today.....
First off, I have to say that I have a great life. I am blessed with a husband and marriage that has only gotten stronger through the years (19 to be exact). I am blessed with two amazing kids. One is a bit of a challenge, daily, but I believe God gave him to us for a reason. He is one talented musician, and is very strong willed. My husband and I were just talking about how much energy it takes to be our sons parents. I told him that I am not a good mom to our son, because I just don't have the energy he has. By energy, I mean emotionally. I hate to fight and argue. I hate confrontation. I need peace. This causes me to give in easily to my son. As a result, he is entitled and spoiled. I should write a book about parenting an emotionally strong willed child. I don't have answers, but I DO have sympathy. You can't help but love these kids, but they are exhausting. Most of the time, you hear a label put on parents that spoil their children. They are usually considered parents who are trying to be their kids "friend". Don't get me wrong. I do want my kids to not only love me, but to also like me. But this is far from why I have an entitled teen.
When I first started writing this blog, I was going to share with you about what a tough month it has been for my family, yet somehow I have gotten off on a different topic altogether. What I really wanted to talk about was the fact that my adorable granny went to be with the Lord on Mother's Day. She has been in the nursing home for a few years now, due to dementia. She would have turned 89 in July. A few weeks ago, she suffered a stroke. There was nothing that could be done for her. I couldn't make myself go visit her much even before the stroke, because it was too hard. She never knew who I was, and I'm not convinced she would want me to remember her that way. She didn't look or act like my granny anymore. As hard as it is for us to say goodbye, I am so happy for her that she never has to hurt again. I could go on about this, but the point I am making is that she is already being dearly missed, and life will not be the same with her gone.
Just weeks prior to losing my grandmother, we lost my uncle to cancer. He wasn't really well to begin with, but the cancer was a very sudden thing that no one knew he had. He had it for a couple of years and didn't know, until it took his life. In the middle of these two things, my other uncle was diagnosed with prostate cancer. None of these things are directly affecting ME personally, but they are things that ARE affecting me. And to be honest, it is really rough. I don't know what to do with all of this. I am not good at dealing with things like this. I am doing my best to just focus on the fact that, as I said at the beginning, "I have a great life". It is odd how in the middle of all of this tribulation, I can still say that I have a great life. I feel guilty for that and I don't know why.
When my grandmother passed away, my aunt had a journal that she (my grandmother) had kept for a short period of time. The entries were so mundane, but there was comfort in reading her words. Her life was not a busy one during the years she had kept the journal. She never drove, she was a widow at the time, she spoke a lot of the weather and her daily meals and outings, but there was something comforting about being able to read her words. It was like I was holding a part of her in my hands. My grandmother was a precious lady. She loved the Lord, I know. I am blessed to have had her. She was a quiet lady, but she was an example. I only wish I was half the homemaker that she was.
When I was telling my husband about some of my grandmothers journal entries, we both started talking about how she had inspired us to keep something of a journal ourselves. What a gift to leave behind for the ones that love you most. What a treasure. We are not promised tomorrow. I know when I leave this place, that I will have a new eternal life in heaven. I know where I am going. I know I am forgiven. My family has that peace, that when I leave this place, they will see me again. We will be together again, without pain, hurt, sadness, etc. But when the time comes to say goodbye to the ones we love on this earth, it is not easy. We have mortal minds. We can't conceive of what is next. I know this is a big downer of a post, but I really mean it to be the opposite. I want to leave a treasure for my children. I may live to 100, or the Lord may call me home tomorrow. I don't know. But what I do know is that when I am gone, I want my family to know I am still with them. I want them to find comfort in opening a journal and feeling like they are holding me in their hands. Not so that they feel pain, but so they feel peace in being able to hold on to at least a part of me.
Again, I say to you that "I have a great life". Things in my life are not always "great", but if we choose the right attitude, we can still enjoy life and find greatness in it. Today I encourage you to have the right attitude and enjoy life. No matter what is going on in your world, you have a choice. Will you be happy, or will you be sad, cranky, angry, etc.... I hope you choose to be happy. We were not promised this would be an easy life. We are promised that for the next life, though. So, if you cannot find any other reason to rejoice, rejoice in that. Find peace in that. In fact, rejoice in that always, and I guarantee your outlook on this life will be different, because God is good!
